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Summer Reading List
by
Diana Grove
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Hunt For The Red Badge of Death - Tom Clancy
Read how an ex-fed named Jack dodges intrigue and really complex military equipment like the C-14 Mitigating Power Gig and the Self-Exploding X-900 Double Quad B-Type Sub-Atomic Rocket Launcher. In this summer blockbuster, Tom Clancy shows us how the good guys win, the bad guys lose, and the consumer once again uses his book to prop up the band saw.
Skipping Through Mushrooms In A Lizard Skin Tuxedo
- Tom Robbins
Behold, yet another masterpiece by word jockey and sultan of simile Tom Robbins. Here Robbins tells the tale of a stranded private eye on a remote island who is surrounded by nothing but deaf monkeys, drunken dictators, and sexually nimble nuns. As always, colorful word use runs rampant as do repeated references to bananas and Coleman Hawkins. Although there’s no real mention of mushrooms, tuxedos or even skipping in this novel, you will be amazed how the author is able to make inanimate objects (like bananas) carry on deep conversations with whimsically handicapped animals (like deaf monkeys).
The History of Machinery – Ken Burns
Again Ken Burns feels obliged to educate the public on one of our great American legacies. As if the exhaustive exploration of the Civil War and baseball weren’t enough, he now delves into the fascinating world of steam pressers and automated winch grinders. This 26-volumn set (which accompanies the 16 hour documentary) comes with a payment plan of $59.99 per month plus a diesel-operated trolley car, which mechanically pulls it, unopened, directly into your hall closet.
World War II: God How I Love That War (4th re-release)
– Tom Brokaw
This book has done more for Tom Brokaw’s pockets than his first best seller entitled World War I: A Time Of True Joy. Here you’ll read Brokaw wax eloquent about soldiers’ exploding skulls, dismembered limbs, and terrifying screams of agony. (Please note: This book was written without the correction of the author’s speech impediment so you may find passages that resemble “…an thon Private O’Reillah shot tha dirtah Krawt in tha neck an he slowlah full ovah in a pull uf blooood.” A translation guide is available at additional cost.)
The Naked and The Shaved – Danielle Steele
Every 50-year-old housewife from Tecumseh to Tuscaloosa will be snapping up this paperback faster than you can say, “Pass me that tub of caramel.” Ok, so you say you don’t exactly fit into this novel’s demographic. That doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy a really tasty sex scene involving shaving cream and a leopard-print mu mu on page 115.
Gray’s All New Anatomy, 34th Addition
I bet you don’t remember where you left your patella? And what about your tibia, fibula and coccyx? Don’t worry, let Gray’s New Anatomy show you where all of your favorite body parts are located. (And where some of the new ones are too.) Since 1963 there have been countless new body parts discovered, like the sternatum, occipiturnum and the elusive uvulux. This addition also features an exciting new scratch-n-sniff centerfold of everybody’s favorite gland - the parathyroid.
Tom Watson’s Big Book Of Golf
Here, legendary golfer Tom Watson tells us what we already suspected anyway – that our swing sucks and we know it.
Je Suis Colette – The Collected Writings
Renowned French author and eroticist Colette reminisces about afternoons spent in a Paris salon “…making mad, passionate love with unhinged abandon. Then making tremendous bacon and mayonnaise sandwiches….hold the pickle!” Next to Anais Nin, Colette was one of the first female authors in Europe to have “held the pickle” for any kind of duration. Apparently, this is what sparked her fiery correspondence with Austrian composer Anton Webern. Although Webern was thought to be heterosexual, after listening to his Six Bagatelles one would gather he was much more partial to knockwurst.
Turgid Heat – Carl Hiaasen
Novelist and environmentalist Carl Hiaasen tops his hit Striptease with this thriller set in the swampland of his native Florida. Crime investigator turned DNR representative Philip “Flip” Phillips tries to unleash the mystery of a missing orange juice heiress, a bundle of Columbian cocaine, and the disappearance of an entire population of Dewey-Lipped Sea Toads. As hot and steamy as the Miccosukee Strand itself, this novel is bound to make your lip drip and your trigger finger itchy well before you reach the hilarious yet satisfyingly predictable climax.
The Miasma Chronicles– Steven King
Master of horror and the macabre, King spins a tale so long and grotesque that even his publishers couldn’t finish it. This chilling novel takes place in the foothills of the Kankakee River valley where a mind-altering mist is destroying the brains of the local townspeople. Suddenly, the teachers are teaching the metric system and the doctor’s aren’t charging for stitch-removal. And according to Mr. King, if you can get beyond the first 4 pounds of the book, something really scary happens on page 356 involving a can of tomatoes and a Skil saw.
An Amateur’s Guide To Home Surgery – Dr. Preston Morningwood DDS
Finally, a comprehensive guide for safely using a clam knife to remove bullets from thigh-flesh…and right in the privacy of your own home. Professional doctors are too busy playing golf and filling out malpractice forms to make any appointments these days. That’s why it’s time to take medicine into your own hands. How often have you needed an impromptu tracheotomy on a Sunday? Or what about a skin graft on a Wednesday during rush hour? The answers to all of your home surgery questions lie in this remarkable book. Plus, the waiting room in this doctor’s office will look comfortingly familiar. (Note: This edition comes complete with a little paper robe, a connect-the-dots anatomy chart, and a framed medical degree.)
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This edition of American Sideshow is
brought to you by...
Crystal Packmyer's left breast
Crystal Packmyer's left breast has been been supporting American Sideshow ever since the infamous "Nipple Hair" feature back in 1986. The breast has spoken publicly on our behalf at many events including "the Florida Gators Season Send-Off," "the Southern Gainsville Winn-Dixie Grand Opening," and "in the Hot Tub at Jeff Mulrooney's Graduation Party, Like, Almost Totally Gorked Out." The sex organ was particularly complimentary while attending the Governor's Ball last month in Tallahassee. Unfortunately, when pressed for further details, the right breast was unavailable for comment.
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