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Captain Bentwood:
On The Warpath
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Unable to join forces in Iraq due to age and missing sinuses, our very own war hero and bi-weekly columnist, Captain A.R. Bentwood, has heard the call to duty. The Captain has been writing political commentary for American Sideshow since Operation Iraqi Freedom was launched in 2003. For this, Bentwood won American Sideshow’s Golden Ham award for excellence in journalism.
Due to the escalation of security and the encouragement by our government for U.S. citizens to seek out potential terrorist threats on our own shores, the Captain has vowed to organize a one-man platoon to track down the enemy in Carbine Falls, Michigan, his hometown. The following is a detailed report made specifically for our Commander-in-Chief, President George W. Bush.
Captain's Log: August 1st, 2006
Dear Mr. President,
I am sending this report as a continuation of my service in the American Armed Forces. I was honorably discharged in the Great War, but I offer myself to you now as we all know America is in dire need of more security forces right here at home. I have heard your call and I am ready to take charge.
Sir, consider today the beginning of “Operation Eagle Eye,” my very own citizen’s brigade. I will be tracking and reporting any suspicious, un-American activities or characters, and not just folks who talk unfamilar either. As a soldier trained in counter-intuitive methods, I will be seeking out individuals who appear to be conforming with foreign evils.
I can assure you that as a former Captain of the U.S. Army I’m in 100% fighting condition. I’ve got a little bursitis in the elbow, not to mention the sour gut, but other than that, I’m a warhorse that needs no prompting.
Carbine Falls, Michigan, population 3,039, is a prime candidate for burgeoning terror cells. Case in point: I have reason to believe a fellow by the name of Dale down at my local feed shop could very well be mailing off orders for high-potency goat feed. Well, I don’t have to tell you how incendiary a goat mash bomb can be. Everyone knows in the right conditions, it could blow the noses clean off of Mt. Rushmore. Yes sir, that’s why the Carbine Falls post office is first on my security checklist.
August 2nd
I started out the morning in the back of the Carbine Falls mailroom. Brenda Lipinski let me slip in when the boss wasn’t looking. She’s a good sort, a little heavy in the pectoid regions, but she gets the job done - a true American in my opinion. I began by unsealing any envelopes that looked suspicious and were addressed to foreign locals or other areas that sounded unfamiliar. This is how I found out Maynard from the hardware store is having a love soiree with Francine Petry. Maynard’s got sort of a nervous twitch, so I de-glued a few of his letters just to make sure everything was on the up and up. So far his mail checks out ok, even though his “passion is like a endless well of love water, cool, flowing and everlasting.” Personally, I think he could learn a thing or two from the great poetical masters, the man can’t rhyme for cownuts.
August 3rd
Mr. President, I must say, you would be proud of my work at the post office. I uncovered 3 subscriptions to a communistic leftie rag from Hillary country called The New Yorker and something I thought was a patriotic magazine about flag maintenance but turned out to be yet another moonbat weekly filled with anti-American hoo-ha. Don’t worry, the subscribers are now on the Captain’s watch list and will be monitored by my associate, Mertin Plinker. Mertin’s on my bridge team, he’s missing some teeth, but he’s downright itchy to nab some subversives. He won a Badge of Reputable Distinction back in WWII for stopping a hand grenade with one of his left molars. Blew the cheek clean off his head, then got me square in the schnozzle. Afterward, I had two eyes, one mouth and a big empty triangle right smack in the middle of my face. Even though we were sitting in an office in Biloxi and weren’t out in the trenches, we were still fighting the good fight. I told Mertin to put the pin back in, but that man can be bonedonkey stubborn. Just goes to show you, tragedy can strike at any time in the line of duty. One thing’s for sure though, we took it like men. You don’t hear us whining about “post dramatic stress disorder.” No sir!
August 4th
I had to take a few days off of the Operation to have the old nose tuned up. It’s pollen season and I think the dang-gummed filter got clogged. Those prosthetic noses don’t mix well with catalpa dust. Cost me $236 but I was glad to pay it. Why? Because I’m a veteran and I get a discount at Eddie’s Diner, and you can’t ask for more than that. (I get lemon meringue for half-price on Wednesdays too. True story.) Back to business. Now that I’ve got a hold of the post office situation, I feel it’s time to move on to more serious tactical zones like the Carbine Falls Public Library. I believe it’s top priority for investigating potential terrorists. If anyone is checking out explosives manuals or militant techniques, believe me, the Captain will find out. Plus, it gets Mertin out of the house. He’s been acting funny lately. He’s starting to save his hairballs.
August 6th
Mr. President, to be quite honest, I had no idea the library could be such a subversive hot bed. Thanks to a homemade badge I whipped up on the old copy machine I was able to sneak a peek at some of our citizens reading habits. We absolutely must do something to control the filth in our Nation’s libraries. Not only did I find out my old friend Leroy Krebs checked out “Islam For Dummies” he’s also been reading “How To Build a Robot For Fun and Profit.” Now I ask you, what good can come of an Islamic robot? None I’d say. Unless you can turn them into an army of pro-democracy Christians that will purify the Mid-East and at the same time make high-quality electronic goods, like toasters and egg whippers. Make no mistake, Leroy has been added to the list.
August 7th
Well, as successful as the Operation has been going, we’ve experienced a little setback. It seems that Mertin went a little wack-a-doo yesterday and set fire to a convenience store. Apparently, he went in to buy some chewing tobacco and the little brown fella who runs the place scared him with some threatening combat maneuvers. Turns out the guy was just swatting at a fly. But believe me, Mertin’s heart was in the right place. He was just a little confused, that’s all. He simply mistook the action for enemy aggression. What can I say, once a soldier, always a soldier. I just wish Mertin hadn’t knocked over that incense burner. Now we’ve got no place to buy soda pop on Route 12.
August 9th
Mertin’s burns are healing slowly, but the old cuss is still able to park himself outside the water treatment plant with a pair of binoculars and some ham sandwiches. I can tell you, I’m proud of him, and so is his country. He’s been a real trooper in the Operation, a regular James Bond type. For instance, he single-handedly nabbed Mrs. Flaherty at the dime store buying peroxide. You know that stuff can make one of these new-fangled “liquid bombs” in nothing flat. And just because she made a citizens complaint about him looking into her bedroom window, the old bugger is staying the course. Mertin said he had "special strategic help" on that mission. Someone who was a real "higher-up" type. The whole thing sounded real secret-like. Oh well, onward and upward, as they say in the Force.
August 12th
Mr. President, I know you’ve experience times of stress lately, especially about that “worst president in U.S. history” business. But I can tell you, I share your pain. Yes sir, I am having trying times too right here in Carbine Falls. It seems that my right hand man and his cohort were arrested last night for stealing Mrs. Flaherty’s underpants off a clothesline. Well, I’m not really clear what old Mertin’s plan was, but I believe he was just doing a little late-night recognizance. Now, I trust that man with all of my heart and guts and many other major organs, so whatever he was up to, his word is good with me. Soldiers honor. I know you feel this way about Dick Cheney and all of that missing WMD malarkey. You gotta stand by your men, even when they get drunk and shoot at lawyers.
August 14th
Well Mr. President, I don’t want you to think the Captain’s a quitter, but the Carbine Falls police department sent me something called an “order of citizens restraint.” They said it was for the good of the community, but if you ask me, it’s some bogus, parrothair scheme to get the Operation shut down for good. Seems the city officials want my organization to crumble like the Sphinx in a dust storm. They said they just don’t see any terrorist threat in a town this size. And here’s the corker, they say it’s “illegal” to open other people’s mail, even if they are hell-bent letters of sordid impuninity. Well monkeypants, as I like to say! If my own local government can’t protect itself, I’m just going to have to find a way to tramp my way over and join the troops in Baghdad. And sir, with your blessing, I could get the job done. I’m still a strong man, I could muscle down in the desert trenches better than a sand spider on hokey pills. By God, I’m gonna fight the good fight if it kills me. And Mr. President, don’t worry about the missing nose. Technically it’s a section 12 in the Code of Release, but I’ve got a spare. It’s even got a battery-powered cooling system in the rear membrane. True story!
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This edition of American Sideshow is brought to you by...
Deputy Chief of Staff, Karl Rove
Despite his recent arrest by Carbine Falls police, Karl Rove is thrilled to bring you this issue of American Sideshow. He claims his favorite part of the website is usually Monodish, simply because he can never get enough reliable recipes for Beef Tongue Piquant. Mr. Rove's incarceration came as a big surprise to all of us at American Sideshow, but no one was more shocked than Agnes Rove, Karl's aunt. "All I wanted was for little Karl to grow up to be a good boy. But just look at him - arrested for fondling a pair of ladies underpants in some backyard in Michigan. How could this happen? I've always heard bedwetters can have troubles later in life, but he was such a good baby. He always put the dolls heads back on after a gentle nudge."
(click the above picture to contact Mr. Rove)
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While you're at it, why not read last edition's feature...
Diana Grove, Dead At 36
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And in response to the July death of Corporal Diana Grove...
Rememberances of Diana,
Eulogies For a Fallen Soldier
It just saddens my ass that my favorite cousin died. I remember the time we went skinny dipping. Well, actually, I snuck up on her when she was swimming in the river and it scared her so bad she beat me unconscious and left me lying naked in some poison oak. I woke up with my crotch itching something fierce. I ran home and Granny rubbed some calamine lotion on my rashy nads while I thought of Diana. I still consider it the best day of my life: seeing my cousin naked and getting a handjob from Granny.
-Cousin Wendell
Diana loved nature and would spend hours wandering through the arboretums. I remember one time we were strolling along, enjoying the sounds of the forest when, all of a sudden, Diana shot a woodpecker out of a tree with a blowgun from fifty yards. I have no idea where she was hiding that blowgun.
-Aunt Delores
I remember "Bear." I was the only one that ever called her that. I was with her when she was trying out some new archery equipment in the Smokey Mountains National Park. She was itching to shoot something and was getting pissed when she couldn't find any bears. I told her they were hibernating. That seemed to piss her off even more. She found a cave, marched in, and dragged out this big, black bear. She then commenced to slapping him around a little bit. The bear was dazed, not sure what was happening. I grabbed ahold of Bear (Diana) and calmed her down while the bear (black) made his escape. There's something strangely erotic watching a grown woman beat a bear's ass. To this day, I have an ursine S & M fetish.
-Otis, friend
Corporal Grove was a trooper. She set the overall record on the confidence course, beating the best men's time by 19.4 seconds. Unfortunately, there was the incident on the firing range involving archery equipment and a blowgun. Three shots, three kills (two arrows, one dart). From a hundred yards away, in the mess tent serving international trainees. She wiped out what was left of the coalition of the willing.
-Sergeant Sam V., drill sergeant
I remember the night Diana was crowned Miss Green Zone. She came out wearing this sexy calico dress. For the talent competition, she changed all four tires on a jeep in 71 seconds. She belonged on a Nascar pit crew.
-Private Doyle N.
The only reason she won was because celebrity judge Jamie Farr was wearing the same dress. She had to score low on the cooking portion of the contest. Most of the taste judges became ill after eating some of her napalm pie.
-Lieutenant Maria L., Miss Green Zone 2003-05
I would consider it an honor to dig the grave of an American hero. I'll even throw in my other services at a discounted rate: ensuring the body ain't alive, filling the grave with dirt just dug, ensuring no loitering around the grave for up to 30 minutes after burial.
-Clem
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"Rememberances of Diana" is a trademark of Dan Burt International. No part of these eulogies may be reproduced without written permission by Dan Burt or a Dan Burt associate. Exceptions include quotes or reviews by Gravedigger Quarterly, Bowhunting and Quailskinning, and the Army Reserve Newsletter. Dan Burt's head can be found at CaptainCanard.com on the 3rd floor in room 806. Thank you. Please close the door on your way out.
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