__________________________
Don't Get Mad, Get Annoying
(How To Con a Con Man)
Part 1.
by
D. Grove
_______________________________________________
Did you know in 2005 the National Fraud Information Center reported a loss of $13,863,003 due to Internet fraud? Perhaps you or a loved one has fallen victim to this crime? If so, wouldn’t it feel great to exact some harmless revenge?
My goal is to launch a whole new revolution conning con artists. If we all start wasting their time with no financial results, maybe they’ll go back to respectable crimes, like pick pocketing or government lobbying.
The following is a verbatim account of my correspondence with an online fraudster. Try it for yourself. All you have to do is place a big-ticket item for sale on a popular Internet site, then develop an alter ego. Watch for overseas addresses, poor English, and offers that seem a little too good to be true. Just make sure you don’t give out any personal information. You wouldn’t want any bizarre packages arriving at you doorstep oozing gazelle blood.
Enjoy…
________________________________________________________________
For Sale: Antique 1944 Indian Motorcycle with Sidecar. Complete with skirted fenders and right-hand throttle. Asking $900 firm. She’s a beauty, but she’s gotta go. Please contact D.Grove@yahoo.com for more info. ________________________________________________________________
Subject: I944 Motorcycle w. Sidecar - $900
Date: 8/3/2006 3:45:54 AM Central Daylight Time
From: Olubunmi4u7@hotmail.com
Hello,
i will like to inform you that upon seeing your ad for a motorcycle with sidecar I
am interested in making a buy. So pls mail me to notify me if this item of yours is still available for sale and if item is in good condition. pls get back to me so we can conclude payment soon afterwards.
Yours friend,
Olawoyin Olubunmi
____________________________________________________________
Subject: Great news!
Date: 8/4/2006 6:00:35 PM Central Daylight Time
From: D.Grove@yahoo.com
Dear Olawajim,
I am delighted you are interested in the motorcycle and I can assure you she is in tip-top condition and still available for sale. The sidecar has a slight ding in the back, but nothing to sneeze at. I’ve had that bike since the Great War and she’s seen me through many a windy night. But, their comes a time to say goodbye to all old things, so she’ll be yours if you still want her. I notice you have one of those foreign-type names. I just want you to know that’s ok with me. I am a man of trust and your money is just as good as anyone’s, that’s the way my mother raised me. Just send the $900 check to the below address and the bike will be yours.
Sincerely,
D. Grove
1400 Elm St.
Holy Bluff, MS 39088
______________________________________________________________
Subject: intersted much in Motorcycle
Date: 8/5/2006 2:38:06 AM Central Daylight Time
From: Olubunmi4u7@hotmail.com
Hello D. Grove
Thanks for not being uncomfortable given the item to me without meeting me in person. I can assure you that all will be okey. Have got little problem here and will be glad if you can do me this little favour. i dont have the money order for that exact fee, but the one of $4000 which happens to be my pay off for last month. i was thinking of sending it over to you, remove your item amount and help me send the remaining balance here . i intend renting a store in a shopping mall in US, and stocking my store wouldn't be a big deal, Have given my shipper part payment but he insisted on full payment before he can help me ship my goods. I know that this is weird, but we can start our relationship based on trust. you will get the check by tueday or wenesday, just be on look out for it ....just make sure u let me know as soon as you get it.....please help, caus i want to come home to US ok…
yours friend,
Olawoyin
_______________________________________________________________________________
Subject: Glad to hear from you…
Date: 8/6/2006 8:24:05 PM Central Daylight Time
From: D.Grove@yahoo.com
Dear Olawahjam,
Sounds like you have a very interesting proposition here. I’d be happy to help you out with the transaction as I’m always interested in a burgeoning business. I will contact you as soon as I get the check in the mail. By the way, do you want me to include a screwdriver set with the bike? It's titanium. Let me know, my wife gave it to me for Christmas, but what am I going to do with it now except look at if funny?
Regards,
D. Grove
____________________________________________________________________________
Subject: plese see payment
Date: 8/7/2006 4:14:46 AM Central Daylight Time
From: Olubunmi4u7@hotmail.com
Hello D. Grove
i want to tell you that i have issued the payment…let me know when it get to you
so that i can tell you what to do…ok
____________________________________________________________________________
Subject: Let me know…
Date: 8/8/2006 5:04:34 PM Central Daylight Time
From: D.Grove@yahoo.com
Dear Owajimbam,
Sounds good, but you never told me about the screwdriver set. I really need to know if you want it. My neighbor Stan said he'll take it, and he's a good guy, but frankly, I don't think he deserves it. He keeps looking at my wife funny when she goes out in her robe to get the paper, and after all, she's the one who gave me the darn tools in the first place. Anyhoo, I'd appreciate it if you'd give me a holler.
Your friend,
D. Grove
_____________________________________________________________________________
Subject: receive funds
Date: 8/9/2006 2:43:16 AM Central Daylight Time
From: Olubunmi4u7@hotmail.com
Hello D. Grove
how was your day... yes i want you to include the screwdriver, i will need it as a tool for the item ...do not give it out to any body...and dont allow your wife to be dressing any strange way ok...does your neighbour have wife? if not, protect your wife ok… i think you should have receive funds by now, please check your mail box...
_____________________________________________________________________________
Subject: Glad to hear from you…
Date: 8/10/2006 4:24:39 PM Central Daylight Time
From: D.Grove@yahoo.com
Dear Ojimbawow,
Heck, I'm glad you want the tool set. I'm sure you'll put it to good use. And thank you for looking out for the wife. She didn't much like the motorcycle much, that's why I need to sell it. She's a little too big in the beam for the sidecar these days, but don't tell her that. She still thinks she’s Marilyn Monroe. Thanks for asking about my day, to tell you the truth, I've got a little bursitis. I'll survive though, Lord knows I shouldn't complain. There's enough trouble in the world right now with all the criminals roaming around robbing and stealing innocent folks and the war over in the desert and what not. Anyway, I'll look for the check in the mail today.
Your friend,
D.Grove
______________________________________________________________________________
Subject: plese help friend
Date: 8/11/2006 1:03:38 AM Central Daylight Time
From: Olubunmi4u7@hotmail.com
Hello D. Grove
how are you doing....i think you should have receive the check my now, cos i really want to come home. please help me cos i have gotten my plane ticket...i dont know how to tell you, but will you help me with $500 so that i can come home? i will also like to meet you one on one. what about your wife? i hope she doing fine…please i really need your help.... i will scan the ticket for you to see...waiting to hear from you soon ...PLEASE DONT LET ME DOWN
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Confirmation Number L96NNZ
Passenger Name Olubunmi Olawoyin
E-Ticket Number 01221121596965
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Frequent Flyer Number None
Date: August 29th Flight:NW 8588_/*KL588
Departs: Lagos, Nigeria (LOS) at 10:15 PM
Arrives: JF Kennedy Intl. Airport
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Class of Service: Economy Class (B) Seat 27-D
Meal Service: Dinner
Operated by KLM Royal Dutch Airlines
KL Confirmation Number XVS2KD
-------------------------------------------------------------------
______________________________________________________________________________
Subject: Howdy Partner
Date: 8/12/2006 7:47:09 PM Central Daylight Time
From: D.Grove@yahoo.com
Dear Olubunman,
I wish I could help you out with the $500 because I know what it feels like to want to come home. I was away at a capacitor hose convention in Duluth for two weeks last year and I nearly cried every night. My wife was a great comfort though, she'd call and keep me posted on news from home. A good wife is more valuable than a sturdy mule - they keep you out of trouble and warm at night too, if you know what I mean. Anyway, if you want me to front you the plane ticket money, I suppose I could ask the wife if that would be ok, just as long as you reimburse me when you arrive later. She wants to re-do the bathroom tile, but that can wait if you ask me. Nothing's as important as helping a friend in need. Anyway I look forward to finally meeting you and sharing a pot roast dinner. Hey, how do you feel about butter beans?
Your friend in the old U.S. of A,
The Grovester
______________________________________________________________________________
Subject: western union infrmation
Date: 8/13/2006 4:29:08 AM Central Daylight Time
From: Olubunmi4u7@hotmail.com
Hello Grovester
how are you....please talk to your wife in time so that i can pay ticket..i will like to see you and your wife...i want to be back home by next week... i can tell you the info so that you can pay and i will be thru with that ...ok…the only way you can send it is thru western union..ok…
SENDER NAME…D. GROVE
RECSIVERS NAME.....OLAWOYIN OLUBUNMI
COUNTRY........NIGERIA
ZIP CODE....037
AMOUNT YOU SEND...$500
STATE.........OGUN STATE
waiting for your fast responce...ok
_____________________________________________________________________________
Subject: Good News!
Date: 8/14/2006 7:47:09 PM Central Daylight Time
From: D.Grove@yahoo.com
Dear Objimbawa,
I can tell you're anxious about coming to America by your tone. And, heck, who can blame you. America is the greatest country on the planet, maybe even the world! Where else can you get both a Big Mac and a Social Security check all on the same day? I don’t think sending you the funds will be a problem. You see, I told the wife I needed the $500 to help pay for a leg brace for a dying child in Namibia, a little fib, but after all, it's for a good cause. I still have not received the check, but I trust it will come shortly, so I will send the money. I didn't realize Western Union delivered outside the United States, considering it's all Western and such. Anyway, keep in touch and don't let the homesickness get to you. You never know, it may just give you an ulcer.
A friend in need is a friend in deed,
Grovey
______________________________________________________________________________
Subject: i need u ok
Date: 8/15/2006 1:09:36 AM Central Daylight Time
From: Olubunmi4u7@hotmail.com
Hello Grovey
Thanks for the fast responce and your caring.... i know you are doing this for me cos of friendship between us ... i really need you at this point ...ok…waiting to hear from you soon…please dont let me down…i want to com home…
______________________________________________________________________________
Subject: It’s a commin
Date: 8/16/2006 8:87:39 /AM Central Daylight Time
From: D.Grove@yahoo.com
Dear Ombijiwibehak,
I plan on going to the Western Union office this morning, right after I go to the grocery store to pick up a pie. The wife is having a big hoo-ha tonight with the bridge club and she's not feeling up to baking on account of her bunions. She told me to get a lemon meringue, but everyone knows apple is better. So anyway, look for the funds to arrive soon. I feel confident you'll be able to get back here in a timely fashion and we'll all get together for a big ham dinner. I hope you don't mind honey-baked, we've got a store right on the corner.
Your old pal from the States,
Big D.
______________________________________________________________________________
Subject: plese still waiting
Date: 8/17/2006 2:59:38 AM Central Daylight Time
From: Olubunmi4u7@hotmail.com
Hello Big D
how was ur day ,,, i hope is cool.., i hav been expecting yur western union.. i hope all is well with you and yur wife…I hope it come in time cos if my booking pass, i will need to pay another booking and you know that i dont have cash at hand…i have some african attire for you , you will see it when i come over… plees hurry...ok...am waiting to hear from you soon
______________________________________________________________________________
Subject: Oooops
Date: 8/18/2006 9:07:29 /AM Central Daylight Time
From: D.Grove@yahoo.com
Dear Owijimbawham,
I’m sorry to say I had a slight hitch at the Western Union office yesterday. I was standing in line ready to pay, when I got a terrible bout of gut cramp. The wife said it was from eating a jar of expired pickles, but I think it's the ulcer again. Anyway, I had to make a mad dash home and I wasn't able to make the payment, and boy what a mess! But believe me, it's the very first thing on my list of things to do tomorrow, along with calling a good carpet cleaner. Thanks for the African clothes gift, that’s very thoughtful. I’m so glad we’ve struck up this friendship. A man is only as good as his best friend, as I like to say.
Your best buddy,
The “D”
______________________________________________________________________________
Subject: everything is ok, ok?
Date: 8/19/2006 4:13:08 AM Central Daylight Time
From: Olubunmi4u7@hotmail.com
Hello The “D”
i was expecting to hear from u…i hope there is no problem...i told you that i will need to book again cos the first booking has gone, i have sold my jewery so that i can have small cash at hand, and if you send the money i can add to it to book again...please let me know if you are still willing to help me out…cos i can not understand what is going on now.....you can tell your wife...ok....i only have little amount with me here now
______________________________________________________________________________
Subject: Sorry from the Southland
Date: 8/20/2006 7:26:28 /AM Central Daylight Time
From: D.Grove@yahoo.com
Dear Omibijahaha,
I can' t tell you how sorry I am that you haven't received the funds yet. I was going to stop by Western Union yesterday to pay, but it turns out my wife spent over $500 on floor tile on the sly. Well I don't mind telling you I gave her a piece of my mind! I'm so steamed at her right now I won't even look in her general direction. If she asks me a question I tell her to write it down and mail it to me, cause I just don't want to hear it! She says you're probably just out to rob us and steal all of our appliances when we're not looking. But I told her the truth - that you're simply a good Nigerian who's a little strapped for cash. It happens to the best of us. Anyway Ojimbawow, I'm going to go out and try to borrow the money from my neighbor Stan. He's a good egg, and besides, he owes me one. He’s been borrowing my hedge trimmers for years now.
Keep your chin up and smile!
The D-ster
______________________________________________________________________________
Subject: need to leave ok
Date: 8/21/2006 4:13:08 AM Central Daylight Time
From: Olubunmi4u7@hotmail.com
Hello D-ster
dont be annoyed with your wife...ok , i told you to tell her about me, women you need to be paciant with them, i still waiting for you cos you are my hope..ok...please do something… i really need to pay for it in time, check the date on the ticket , i need to leave this place ...ok ,i want you to help me to send the fund…tell her that am not to rob you…that i need your help ...am waiting for you, D. Grove, my hope is you
_______________________________________________________________________________
Subject: Slight hitch
Date: 8/22/2006 11:04:38 /AM Central Daylight Time
From: D.Grove@yahoo.com
Dear Ojibowobo,
I've tried to patch things up with the wife, but consarnit, she can really make me bone-rattling mad. She spent a whole heck load of money on floor tile, then she has the gall to go out and buy herself a new dress! Where does she think this money comes from, trees out in the back yard? Anyway, I went over to my neighbor Stan's to borrow the money and he said he didn' t think it sounded like a good idea, considering how I don' t really know you and all. He said he heard of a woman down in Florida who gave $5,000 to a fellow from Nigera and she never heard from him again. I told him that's crazy talk, you would never de-fraud me because we are friends and we have a mutual trust. So, now I have to go to plan B, which is Earl. Earl owes me money so I don't see a problem there. Although he did get pretty steamed at last year's Christmas party when I accidentally rubbed his wife's behind by the punch bowl. I've told him a million times it was a mistake, but he just didn't see it that way. But, what the heck, I'll give it a shot. I know how important it is for you to get back to the old U.S. of A. Hey, do they still ride elephants instead of cars in Africa?
In haste, your friend,
Old Grovey
_______________________________________________________________________________
Subject: U R my friend plese help
Date: 8/23/2006 3:43:28 AM Central Daylight Time
From: Olubunmi4u7@hotmail.com
Hello Old Grovey
i hope all is cool with u and ur wife, i understand what you are going thru because of me…i need to ask you cos i beleive you can help me out as a friend......please i really need to come…U MUST SEND FUNDS…
_______________________________________________________________________________
Subject: A man standing alone
Date: 8/24/2006 10:24:33 /AM Central Daylight Time
From: D.Grove@yahoo.com
Dear Omijohoho,
First let me say I appreciate your kindness and patience. It's been trying times for me right now and I need all the friendship I can get. I'm afraid I had a little hoo-de-hoo with the wife last night over the $500. Well, I'm sorry to say it turned out pretty bad. Irma's a good woman but she just doesn't understand true man-on-man friendship. She thinks you're going to steal money from us and strip our bank account of all of her inheritance money. You see, her father was a big deal waffle producer in Paducah and he left her with a nice nut. But that doesn't mean we've got dough coming out the ears. We still have to scrimp a good deal of the time on account of her bum heart, which was transplanted a year ago this Thursday. Anyway, when she said I couldn' t send you the funds, I flipped a good one and now the old girl has run out on me. I have to say, after 35 years, I am absolutely stunned. I thought we were two solid rocks on God's shore, but I guess I was wrong. But don't you worry, I'm sure her grandfather’s purple heart medal will bring in at least $300 and the rest I can surely borrow from my mother's retirement fund, she won't even know it's gone. I'm a lonely old man and I can honestly say, you're the only friend I have right now. Just be patient with me and I will come through for you.
Your best friend,
The Gupper
_______________________________________________________________________________
Subject: be quik ok
Date: 8/25/2006 2:03:18 AM Central Daylight Time
From: Olubunmi4u7@hotmail.com
Hello The Gupper
how are you doing...,dont fight with her ok…just send the money so that i can meet you one on one…you are also my only friend for now, that is why i want you to help me...i think you shold have receive the check by now...please make me happy by seding the money so that our friendship can be fine…please be quik ok
_______________________________________________________________________________
Subject: Steamed like hot buttered spinach
Date: 8/26/2006 9:54:13 /AM Central Daylight Time
From: D.Grove@yahoo.com
Dear Omijubow,
Well my friend, I would like to say I'm doing just fine, but that would be an outright fib. Every since my wife left me over this money business I've been eating canned beans and Ritz crackers and now my ulcer is acting up something fierce, and to make matters worse, I've got a screaming case of hemorrhoids to boot. And if this isn't bad enough, the money I thought I could borrow from Mother is gone. It seems she was swindled out of it by some crackpot who sold her some bogus insurance over the Internet. So all of my financial contacts have run dry, you see. In fact, since you're such a good friend and all, I was wondering if you could spot me $800 for my upcoming court case with the wife. She's the one with the dough, but I still need to foot the bill for the divorce. Sweet God in heaven there is no justice! I was just trying to lend a friend in need some cash and she goes all flooey on me! Anyway, the only reason I'm asking for a loan is that you're such a good friend. Maybe you have some nice people in Nigeria who would feel sympathy for a sad old man like me. You can just send me a check or maybe some of those carved-up elephant tusks or something. Any little bit would help. Oh lord, I think my gums are starting to bleed...
Your friend in need,
Old Man Grove
__________________________________________________________________
Be sure to read the gripping conclusion of "How To Con a Con Man" in the next edition of American Sideshow. Will Old Man Grove steal the purple heart while his wife is out getting a double beehive? Will the elusive $500 ever make its way to Nigeria? Will our protagonist develope an ulcer so bloody even Idi Amin would run for a sponge?
There's only one way to find out...
________________________________________________________________
American Sideshow has been brought to you by...
Mohammed Abdul Fazlullah-Gholam Shahrooz
Mr. Fazlullah-Gholam Shahrooz is delighted to bring you this edition of American Sideshow. He would also be delighted to have a cup of clean drinking water, a chair and a lawyer, but that goes against section B-46 of the U.S. Military's code of detention for enemy combatants at Guantanamo Bay. Mohammed has been detained in this retrofitted mandrill cage since 2003, a year that saw a dramatic rise in Muslim-in-a-cage containment as well as shackled-to-a-block-of-ice submission and beaten-till-you-bleed-from-the-ears-nose-mouth-and-eyes subservience. When asked if he'd grant American Sideshow an exclusive interview upon his release, he said, "Oh yes, it would be an honor. And if you could include a loaf of bread and some antiseptic, it would be a double honor." Although Mohammed is not scheduled for any trial soon, officials at the detention center assured us we shouldn't worry, he is first in line for "state-of-the-art medical experimentation that is reserved for model prisoners who still have their hearing."
(Mohammed was turned in to U.S. officials in Baghdad for 200 Iraqi Dinars by his second cousin's neighbor's wife's brother-in-law who was pretty sure he had sold a tin of figs to Saddam's limo driver on a holy day. He is currently awaiting appeal.)
