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Demetrius Chilblain:
Metaphysical Accountant
by
Diana Grove
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Due to a mysterious decrease in quarterly business, Demetrius Chilblain III is forced to abandon his third-generation practice of metaphysical accountancy and seek work in a more tangible arena. Spotting an overseas job vacancy in a random email, he writes up a resume and applies for the positon - envisioning a life of prosperity and far-flung adventure.
Will a man as bizarre as Demetrius be qualified for a job in a land so refined it still has a queen? Will his future employer be prepared for the intricacies of theoretical numerical comtemplation? Will he be startled by a water squab, drop his calculator overboard, and be devoured by an army of angry Sea Squids?
The following is a completely true correspondence between Demetrius Chilblain (fictional job applicant) and "Normis Investment Consultants" (prospective employers and African con-men out to bilk Demetrius of $2,357.08 U.S.D).
This continues part two in American Sideshow's ongoing quest to con internet con-men. We'd like to say we have better things to do with our time, but other than jilling-off to pictures of Richard Roundtree, we can't think of any.
Once again, enjoy.
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JOB VACANCY
Job ID: PSC/JV/NIC 01145-04
UNITED KINGDOM
Normis Investment Consultants (NIC) has an immediate employment opportunity. NIC intends to invite experienced individuals/expatriates or consultancy firm capable of rendering expertise services in various fields of Finance Managemant, Banking and Finance Economist, Accountancy, Etc.
Normis Investment Consultants, established in 1995, is an International and Consulting firm specializing in WORLD WIDE PROJECT FUNDING in the private and government sector.
As a Project Funding Loan Syndication House and Financial Advisors we act as a bridge between borrowers, financial institutions and investors, and we work negotiating deal components.
JOB STATUS: Full-Time
SALARY INDICATION: US $15,400.00 – USD $25, 000.00 depending upon experience and field of specialization. Interested candidates are to email resume and details of experience to our recruitment office below.
OUR MISSION:
To give glory to God and provide to humanity the benefits derivable
through commodity trading to alleviate and enhance the condition of the poor.
Submit your resume so we can begin our normal process on your position as soon as possible. Expecting your kindest relpy today.
HOW TO APPLY:
Email your resume today to: normisconsultants@uk2.net
Normis Investment Consultants (NIC)
45 Woolwich New Road
Woolwich, London
SE186NU, UK
Phone: +447024065175
Fax:+44 (1) 7602807795
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Subject: Resume For The Job Vacancy
Date: 10/15/06 11:36:15 A.M. Central Standard Time
From: DemetriusTheThird@yahoo.com
Dear Sirs at Normis,
I'm intrigued by your job offer and it is my honor to submit my resume to you.
Let me begin by telling you a little bit about myself. I am a direct descendant of my Grandfather, Demetrius Chilblain Senior, who established "The Metaphysical Accountancy Group" in Columbus Ohio back in 1892. He was the first American to intermingle existential philosophy with taxes and asset management. I have followed in his footsteps successfully, but it is my goal to expand my horizons and branch out of metaphysical numerical conception and into the world of objective notation and tangible receipt calculation. I am confidant I would be an outstanding employee and valuable asset for Normis Investments.
Please note: I recently completed a seminar in “Negotiating Deal Components” with an emphasis in “Coercion and Effective Contract Misplacement.”
Yours sincerely,
Demetrius Chilblain
Resume:
Demetrius Chilblain III
449 Hoodwink Ct.
Hopewell, OH 43746 U.S.A
614-239-7746
Summary: A detail-oriented Asset Accountancy Expert who specializes in relative gross margins and variable profit rumination. Major skills include theoretical numerical contemplation, objective incremental equities and conceptualizing the relativity of balance sheets – A seasoned, reliable employee with abilities to multi-task, complete projects, and operate multiple calculators ambidextrously.
Education: Hopewell College for Men (attended 1968-1974) Majored in Theoretical Long Division with an emphasis in Definitive Multiplication. Minored in the number 9. Dissertation completed 6/2/74 – “If You Carry The Three, What Will The Two Think?”
1996-Present: Chilblain and Keloids Accounting Firm
Head Accountancy Manager
Responsibilities: Tax Askirtment, Creative Equity
Burial and Agressive Bankruptcy Protection
1985-1996: The Barry Dilldrop House of Assets
Assistant Asset Manager and Gross Margin Specialist
Responsibilities: Management of assets of greater and
lesser margins
1984-1985: The Gonzales Brothers Circus
Head Accountant
Responsibilities: General accountancy, book keeping,
and trapeze calibration
1977-1984: Demetrius Chilblain Metaphysical Accounting and
Phrenology Center
Junior Accountant and Assistant Cranial Mapper
Responsibilities: Theoretical Existential Accounting,
Accurately Recording Skull Measurements
1975-1977: Peace Corp of America – Accountancy Division
Abacus Repairman: Namibia
Responsibilities: Repairing mathematical systems and
light peacekeeping
References: Harry Keloids (Keloids and Boil Accounting,
614-822-8732)
Barry Dilldrop (Dilldrop “The Numbers Man”
614-224-1800)
Ernesto “El Loco Gato” Gonzales (The Gonzales
Brothers Circus, number available upon request)
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Subject: Your Qualification Is Found Suitable
Date: 10/19/2006 6:35:09 A.M. Central Standard Time
From: normisconsultants@uk2.net
Dear Demetrius Chilblain,
With reference to your application for employment in pursuant to the service contract, we hereby notify you that your qualification was found suitable for the requirements of Normis Investment Consultants.
Hereinafter, you shall be required to serve as Master onboard MV Hamm for the fulfillments and requirements Normis Investment Consultants in United Kingdom.
Your salary shall be US$/GBP£ 15,400.00 per month and your leave rotation shall be 3 months on and 4 weeks off. You will be expected to join the vessel on the 31th of October 2006
Do provide us with the name of your nearest airport and copy of your international passport, as this will enable our company representative's process your travel documents, which includes your return flight ticketsand visa.
You are requested to cover the cost of the following fee for the
arrangement of your travel documents by contactin our attorney in Duty;
Temporary Working Permit (TWP): Advance Fee: GBP. $880
The total cost for the above mentioned documents: GBP $880 shall be used for your travel and arrival co-ordination that will be undertaken in United Kingdom and will be refund back as soon as your arrived at the airport immediately
We will process and arrange your traveling documents including your visa and send you your prepaid return flight tickets to arrive at your port of joining in order to resume duties onboard the vessel
We hope you understand our position and act accordingly.
It is now due for you to remit the fee of your Temporary Working Permit
(TWP) by contacting our attorney Barr.Guild Hall, attorney on duty at
Normis Investment Consultants Headquater.ghallchamb@yahoo.co.uk
Phone; +447031899787
Attention: We seek to let you know that we have been trying to communcate with you and detail you about your Visa and air ticket, but could not get to you. Due to all the inconvines, I would like to let you know that all our contacts with still go ahead by e-mail.
Normis Consultants
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Subject: Sirs, Thank You Very Much
Date: 10/19/06 9:45:41 P.M. Central Standard Time
From: DemetriusTheThird@yahoo.com
Dear Normis,
I am delighted to hear I have the job, although I have never been a master of a ship before. Quite frankly, I didn’t know accountants were qualified to do such things. I can promise you I will do the best job possible even though I have been known to suffer bouts of seasickness.
I am fully prepared to apply my accounting skills to the high seas. Would I need to bring any special sea equipment like a life jacket or a whaling gun? I wouldn’t want to accidentally fall overboard without being fully prepared for high waves and marine life. Rest assured I will go about getting the travel funds in order.
My deepest apologies about the phone trouble. I was practicing transcendental division and I got so carried away with an elusive 9 that I forgot to plug the phone in. I hope this doesn’t tarnish your opinion of me. I’m an extremely hard worker and I look forward to this opportunity to work in Woolwich (I think that’s where my socks come from, and they’re first rate.)
P. S. Would it be possible for my wife to join me? She got a special award in school for her breaststroke so I'm quite sure she would be excellent Hamm material. Also, what kind of implements do you have for fiduciary incremental equities? Should I bring my own, or would they be ineffective due to the Trans-Atlantic gap?
Yours truly,
Demetrius Chilblain III
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Subject: Please Send Me Pertinent Information
Date: 10/20/06 7:05:57 A.M. Central Standard Time
From: DemetriusTheThird@yahoo.com
Dear Barrister Guild Hall,
I am writing to alert you of my recent job acceptance by Normis Investment Consultants. I was informed that I will be the Master of the sea vessel MV Hamm. I am aware I am to send you my personal information and the work permit fee. Please let me know exactly what is required and the best method of payment.
Yours truly,
Demetrius Chilblain III, Accountant, Existentialist, Sea Captain
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Subject: Please Pay Processing Fee
Date: 10/20/2006 11:03:28 P.M. Central Standard Time
From: ghallchamb@yahoo.co.uk
Dear Demetrius Chilblain III
This is to inform you that I have to sworn an affidavit of claim at Her Majesty British High Court on your behalf to enable me process your documents right away.
In swearing you an affidavit, your required paying a fee of £330 Pounds (Three Hundred and Thirty British Pounds) for an affidavit of claim to be processed.
I will call you to detail you more about this issue. Get Back to me for the information you will use in paying the fee.
Regards,
Guild Hall (Esq)
1-6 Corn Exchange Street,
Cambridge, CB5 8AB,United Kingdom
Email; ghallchamb@yahoo.co.uk
Phone:+447031899787
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Subject: I Just Need To Know One Thing…
Date: 10/21/06 6:15:54 A.M. Central Standard Time
From: DemetriusTheThird@yahoo.com
Dear Normis,
I have contacted Barrister Guild Hall and he has required I pay 330 pounds for the affidavit, but I have just a few questions about the job opening. For instance, does the ship have life boats, and if so, how many? You see, I am not a sturdy swimmer. (But have no fear, that will in no way hinder my job performance as I plan to wear a life jacket at all times.) However, I do wonder if the life boats are the rowing or the outboard-motor kind. I suffer from distended fibuels in my humerus due to an out-of-body experience gone awry, so I’m afraid rowing will be out of the question. Also, you never said if it would be ok for my wife to join me? She doesn’t eat much and she’s surprisingly fond of sailors.
I look forward to your swift response,
Demetrius Chilblain III
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Subject: Thank You, Please Be Notified
Date: 10/22/2006 8:15:38 A.M. Central Standard Time
From: normisconsultants@uk2.net
Dear Demetrius Chilblain,
Thank you for the explaination you made about your health on the job we
are offering you.
We are herein by leting you know that your working for Normis Investment
Consultants will be on our ship section to be an accountant there, and not
be a captain of any type. Note that you are not coming to Normis Investment Consultants to work as a sailor.
It is possible for your wife to join you in United Kingdom. Do provide us a
scan copy of her and yours international/national passport to us and a copy to our attorney. Also let our attorney know that your wife will be joining you
in coming down to United Kingdom.
We expect the requirements above in order to process your flight tickets
and visa together.
Normis Investment Consultants (NIC)
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Subject: Wonderful News!
Date: 10/23/06 9:29:52 A.M. Central Standard Time
From: DemetriusTheThird@yahoo.com
Normis,
I am thrilled my wife will be able to join me on the ship. She is so delighted she ran out and bought a white jump suit and matching hat. Personally, I thought the eye patch was a bit much, but what can I say, she has a sense of humor. I must say I’m a bit relieved the accountancy job doesn’t require any sailoring duties as my fibuels are still quite tender. In regards to the identification issue, I’m afraid we don’t have any passports at the moment, would it be possible just to send a copy of our library cards?
Yours truly,
Demetrius
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Subject: Submit Fund For Working Permit
Date: 10/28/2006 101:13:49 P.M. Central Standard Time
From: ghallchamb@yahoo.co.uk
Dear Demetrius Chilblain III,
Compliments of the day. To process and arrange your working permits to enable you work in United Kingdom. You have to remit this fee, which is GBP 330 to United Kingdom. You have limited time.
Make the Fee payable to London, United Kingdom through Western Union Money Transfer, and send us the Money Transfer Control Number (MTCN) and the Transfer Test Question & Answer to enable me to retrieve your payment.
The payment destination should be;
Name of Receiver: Mr.Guild Hall
City of Destination: London
Country of Destination: United Kingdom
You have to scan the payment clip and send it to me as an attachment, together with the information above to enable to me retrieve your payment. Let me know how much you remited before paying the fee. Expecting your Kindest reply today.
Regards,
Guild Hall (Esq)
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Subject: British Pounds
Date: 10/29/06 8:49:28 A.M. Central Standard Time
From: DemetriusTheThird@yahoo.com
Dear Sir,
I understand I am to wire 330 British Pounds to you, but please keep in mind, the United States hasn't used that kind of money since the days of Raymond Burr. How should I go about completing this transaction effectively?
Yours truly,
Demetrius Chilblain III
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Subject: Change Currency
Date: 10/30/2006 10:39:51 P.M. Central Standard Time
From: ghallchamb@yahoo.co.uk
Dear Demetrius Chilblain III,
Thank you for the question. I know that United State use Dollars and here in United Kingdom we use Pounds. You have to go and change your currency at the bank to British pounds before making the payment. Then remit the payment through Western Union to London UK.
Am expecting your kindest reply by next week (being Monday).
Regards,
Guild Hall (Esq)
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Subject: Oh yes, of course
Date: 10/31/06 6:29:02 A.M. Central Standard Time
From: DemetriusTheThird@yahoo.com
Dear Sir Guild Hall Esq.
Of course, being an accountant I should have known I would need to exchange the money first. I must confess, my recent interest in transcendental time warps sometimes gets me confused. I took a seminar on the subject last month with the great Dr.Charles McSnare. Afterward, I spent six days in Restoration England having tea with the Duchess of Cornwall. Needless to say, we had quite a nice conversation about crumpets and highland tweed. Rest assured, I will do everything in my power to have the money transferred by next week.
P.S. I am slightly worried that I have missed the deadline to board the MV Hamm. I do hope they’ll hold the ship and not make me swim out to meet them at low tide.
Many thanks and God save the Queen,
Demetrius Chilblain III
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Subject: Change Currency Now!
Date: 11/1/2006 8:59:32 P.M. Central Standard Time
From: ghallchamb@yahoo.co.uk
Dear Demetrius Chilblain III,
Good Day. I have been waiting to hear from you. What happen, why havn't the money been paid, I have not recevie your payment clip up till this moment.
Am still waiting to hear your kindest relpy today.
Regards,
Guild Hall (Esq)
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Subject: I am so sorry
Date: 11/2/06 9:32:39 A.M. Central Standard Time
From: DemetriusTheThird@yahoo.com
Dear Sir Hall Esq.
I’m sorry I have not been in contact with you. The truth is, I know I missed the MV Hamm deadline and I fear Normis will no longer want to hire me. Is it possible they have gone off to sea without the ship’s chief accountant? If so, how would they manage the log books and keep track of the rum barrels and the deck swabers? I know I should have sent the 330 pounds for the work permit by now, especially since I just received a large inheritance from my wife’s mother (an heiress to the Markoff adding machine fortune). In fact, I was on my way to Western Union today when I had a sudden panic attack right in the middle of a busy street. I know I should have mentioned it earlier, but I was afraid Normis Consultants wouldn’t be interested in hiring me. You see, I’ve always had a pathological fear of encephalopods. It’s true. I have such ferocious nightmares about deep sea squid I often awake with chattering teeth in pools of sweat. I imagine their fierce tentacles squeezing my organs and my flesh being pulled right off the bone from their nubby, evil suckers. So, before I can fully commit to the job for Normis, I feel I must come to terms with this issue. I must find out if on the high seas I will at any time be in the presence of The Giant Squid. I shall draft a letter to Normis immediately and demand a swift response. Then, I will snap into action and pay the permit fee and this issue will be resolved.
(Please forgive this display of weakness. I assure you I am a man of courage in all other fields, particularly long division.)
Yours in haste,
Demetrius Chilblain III
To be continued....
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Welcome to American Sideshow's
Douchebag of the Week, Featuring...
Indiana Senator - Evan Bayh (Dem.)
Just to show you what a douchebag this "moderate" politician is, Evan Bayh followed the Republican band wagon and voted "Yes" on the Patriot Act in 2006, enabling the U.S. government to strip it's citizens of many personal rights and freedoms (suck it up Thomas Jefferson). And, although he is a current critic of the war campaingn, he also voted "Yes" on the invasion of Iraq (yet another show of rampant flip-floppery). But just to show what a swell guy he is, one of his more notable accomplishments as governor of Indiana was replacing electrocution with lethal injection (beautiful). Here's the really bad news: this phony, spineless democrat currently has a war chest of 9.5 million in the bid for the upcoming 2008 election. So I ask you, could this cocksucker actually be the next president of the United States?
Just to qualify his current position in the annals of douchebaggery, here's a pre-election conversation American Sideshow overheard in April, 2003 in the lobby of a notable Ft. Lauderdale hotel between Mr. Bayh and a suit-wearing political sniffer. I am not making this up...
Douchebag # 1 (political sniffer) "So Evan, who are you gonna vote for?"
Douchebag # 2 (Evan Bayh - evil, convictionless, pantywaist whore)
"Oh you know, it doesn't matter, I'll go with whoever
has more votes."
Watch out for the parade of soulless douchebags America!
They're everywhere...
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